Saturday, June 19, 2010

Entry #59 - Movie of the Day

Since I recently changed my banner/logo thing to a weird barbarian picture, some of my trusty readers have asked me what movie is that from. Today I am proud to announce that picture is from the movie...

Time Barbarians (1990)
Directed by Joseph John Barmettler
96mins

Summary according to Netflix:
When Doran (Deron McBee), warrior king of the forest, butts heads with the evil wizard Mandrak (Daniel Martine), he puts his entire kingdom at risk. Following a barbarian war, Mandrak kills Doran's warrior queen, Lystra (Jo Ann Ayres), and escapes through a time portal to modern-day Los Angeles. Hell-bent on revenge, Doran follows Mandrak through time but finds himself trapped in a confounding world he doesn't understand.

Truth be told, I have not seen this movie. I found the picture randomly and it made me laugh, so I threw my name on it, like some sort of Spanish explorer or Thomas Edison or something. I can't think of a good joke. Those will do. So, not to promote something I have not seen because I have some sort of integrity, I went to track down, Time Barbarians. Luckily, I quickly found the movie on Netflix to watch instantly. So for today's Movie of the Day is the Conan the Barbarian / Deathstalker / Beastmaster ripoff and Troma released film, Time Barbarians.

Random Thoughts on Time Barbarians
  • I am digging this Megaforce like two-tone opening credits and the early final fantasy NES score.
  • Balls! A Scrolling Text.Awesome
  • IN AN ANCIENT TIME OF SWORDS AND SCORCERY LIVED A REMOTE TRIBE OF BARBARIAN WARRIORS WHO BATTLED THE FORCES OF EVIL. THESE BARBARIANS WERE PROTECTED BY THE POWER OF A CRYSTAL  AMULET. THIS IS A STORY OF THEIR KING.
  • They misspelled sorcery in the scrolling text. I am not scared.
  • 3 Minutes in and an sword fight. Awesome.
  • Gotta love cheap barbarian costumes. Probably cost about 3 bucks to make and about 20 bucks for the whole cast. Actors probably made it themselves. 
  • FOG MACHINE.
  • Fog makes the best set design.
  • "Leave this Land. And Never return". Best line delivery ever. sounds like a dumb surfer/hair metal guy.
  • There is no way this barbarian can fit into this futuristic early 90's world.
  • this score does scream Troma Release.
  • I like how feathered these barbarians air is.
  • Stalk that bitch.
  • A sex scene without nudity in a barbarian movie. Shame on you movie, Shame.
  • This movie is written in a barbaric form of Shakespearean. 
  • Never lose sight of the amulet.
  • Too much badness to document. 
  • This almost 8-bit score is louder than the dialog. I have the volume all the way up and I can not hear them talk. Maybe that's a good thing.
  • 20:18 Boobs.
  • Do thoughts of sadness fill your head?
  • 26:20 Rape.
  • I don't know whats going on.
  • The bad guy has the crystal amulet and the other wants to pawn in for gold coins then they disappear. 
  • I can't hear anything. Speak up dammit.
  • Just go to Modern Day 1990 LA already. I'm getting bored.
  • Grown men are running around pretending to be birds while sword fighting. 
  • These guys sure play a fun make-a-believe.
  • Are they going to rape him now.
  • No, they just tied him up for the hell of it.
  • Why do I watch movies like this. There is plenty of good films I have not seen, but no I have watch a barely audible movie about a time traveling barbarian who 50 minutes into this film still hasn't time traveled.
  • I think watching this movie might make me reevaluate my life.
  • You know, I started to watch the director's cut of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, but stopped it to finish Time Barbarians. I haven't seen Close Encounters for at least 10 years. I really don't remember that movie. But I know its a good movie. 
  • 51 minutes in finally Modern Day 1990 LA.
  • This is a super white street gang for LA. You never hear of drive byes involving Fat White bleached blonde guys.
  • And these white street gangs always laugh. They never stop. 
  • Of things to be amazed by in the future, he is amazed by a fence.
  • 56:26 My Banner/logo Picture.
  • Stuff is happening,
  • Oh, Snap! A Sword fight with Time Barbarians in Modern Day 1990 LA.
  • END.

This movie SUCKS, but it has it's moments.The movie is better as a random picture on this website.







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