Entry #20 - My Life Through Stallone

My Life With Stallone

“NOTHING IS OVER!” Rambo shouted from a shot up police station, completely surrounded by the town’s entire police force. “NOTHING!”

The final scene from First Blood changed the way I looked at action films. Before, I thought action films were nothing but entertainment and mindless violence and I loved them for that. But with First Blood, I realized an action movie could both be emotional and personal. They can be so much more. In the final scene, Rambo reveals his disappointment with the Vietnam War, the home front, and the monster it turned him into. Sylvester Stallone gives a riveting performance as the tormented war vet, John Rambo, not just a badass, but also a badass with serious inner turmoil. First Blood was the first action movie I had seen with a social message. I learned Stallone was an action movie star different from the rest. Other than acting, Stallone also writes, directs, and even for a short period sung country music with Dolly Parton. Stallone became my favorite actor and his films part of my life.

Demolition Man (1993)
Character – John Spartan

I once ate dinner under the naked frozen body of Stallone from Demolition Man at a Planet Hollywood restaurant in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I walked in the restaurant with my family and instantly noticed the suspended-in-frozen-animation body of John Spartan hanging from the ceiling. I knew immediately that I had to dine on this strange planet’s finest cuisine underneath it.
It was really surreal and a little unsettling eating my New York style Cheesecake under a naked frozen body. I took a picture with my disposable camera. The cheesecake was good.

Judge Dredd (1995)
Character – Judge Dredd

After seeing this movie, I spent an entire week afterward constantly repeating the line, “I AM THE LAW” in brilliant Stallone fashion. This process would repeat after every viewing.

Oscar (1991)
Character – Angelo ‘Snaps’ Provolone

I once saw someone selling one hundred copies of the DVD on eBay with a “Buy it now” price of $300. It was very tempting to purchase this lot of one hundred DVDs. Who in their right mind would sell one hundred copies of the same movie, especially a mediocre screwball gangster comedy from the early nineties? I assumed the only person who would have one hundred copies of Oscar in the first place, would be director John Landis or Stallone himself. If, in the future, I randomly give you a copy of Oscar on DVD – two things have happened: I have run into some extra cash and I have been driven completely insane.

Victory (1981)
Character – Captain Robert Hatch

This was the first, and – as of now, the only – movie I’ve seen that features an actor with the last name of Osman. Sadly, that actor played a Nazi. I was hoping someone with my namesake would be a good guy. Typically, every character named Eli is either evil, insane, religious, mentally retarded, or evil insane religious retarded, like in Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest and There Will Be Blood.

Over the Top (1987)
Character – Lincoln Hawk

Because of this movie, I refer to arm wrestling as playing “Over the Top”. But I always have to explain myself every time I use it.

The Party at Kitty and Stud’s (1970)
Character – Stud

This is Stallone’s first movie. It is also a soft-core porn and better known as Italian Stallion. My only viewing of this film was with a group of people I had just met. I was currently working on a horror short film called Thankless Job, which I co-wrote and was producing.

I went to this our makeup effects guy’s house to get my stomach cast in plaster. I was going to get my guts ripped out for a scene. His roommates just got back from seeing porn star Ron Jeremy speak and everyone was in the mood to watch some cheesy seventies porn. As his roommates piled in the living room, I was standing in the middle with my shirt off, having my stomach rubbed down with plaster. To make matters even stranger, one of his roommates started taking pictures of this process for his portfolio. Oddly, his roommates seemed really jaded by a half naked guy getting a rub down in front of them while watching the lovemaking's of Stallone. I now sympathize with the young Stallone that was pressured into porn and understand his career more. I realize now that out of shame comes greatness.

Rambo (2008)
Character – John Rambo

Greatness.